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August 23, 2006

An open letter to the Coca-Cola Corporation

Filed under: General — tj @ 12:59 pm

Dear Coke,

Can I call you Coke?  I feel like I’ve known you for so long.  Let me start this out by saying that I’m a huge fan of yours.  You are the beverage of choice for me, when I’m given the choice.  When I am asked, “Is Pepsi ok?”, I know the answer is no, Pepsi is terrible and I will not drink it.  The only thing that Pepsi has ever had on you is the commercials.  Fortunately, they don’t affect the taste.  You could have the most amazing commercials in the history of commercials, but you’re still drinking Windex. In any event, I write to you today not so much to sing your praises, but to plead with you.  There was a time, in our land, when a man could open a can of Coke without getting it on his hands, where he could comfortably sip a coke without a rush of fluids landing on his shirt and lap.  I’m talking about a time before the wide mouth can.  This wasn’t so long ago that no one remembers, but there was a time where no cans had wide mouths.  I hold Mountain Dew personally responsible.  This may have been the perfect move for them and their ‘extreme’ campaign, but it has ruined the joy of the soda drinking community.  They probably didn’t know that executives around the world would see this as an opportunity to force more soda down the throats of the consumers faster than ever before.  This is why I write to you today Coke, please, hear my prayer, and rid the good Coke Drinkers of the plague upon their soda.  Get rid of the wide mouth cans, get rid of the too fast pour, get rid of the sticky fingers upon opening.  You have it in your power, make it so.

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