Having watched Spider-man 2’s Sam Raimi’s Darkman only weeks ago, the timing could not have been better to receive Darkman II:The Return of Durant. This movie could also have been called Darkman II:The Not Return of Liam Neeson, But Instead The New Showing of the Guy Who Plays the Mummy in the Movie The Mummy Who Now Stars As Darkman. The plot of this movie is vaguely familiar; Durant burns down a lab and cuts off people’s fingers, and it really really pisses off Darkman. I believe that at some point, Darkmummy takes some pictures of evil people and then dresses up as them. There’s some shenanigans, and eventually there is some way that Darkmummy hooks Durant’s car up with a remote control, and then blows it up with a rat that is probably wired with explosives. Also, at some point, Gabrielle travels in from hanging out with Xena to get red hair and be the sister of the scientist that dies in the beginning. You’d sort of expect there to be some sort of romantic tension between Darkmummy and Gabrielle, but apart from a few chance encounters, she manages to steer clear of him.
For the record, I have seen a large number of Jackie Chan movies, and I love nearly all of them, even the really terrible ones. None of those movies could really prepare me for what I was about to witness. The plot, as best I can describe it, goes something like this:
- Jackie Chan plays a sailor.
- Jackie Chan becomes a police officer even though he doesn’t want to.
- Jackie Chan, due to a dispute with the Police Chief, quits the force.
- A fat guy steals some guns and kind of blames Jackie for it, except that they are working together.
- There is a Secret Pirate Underground Hideout, which somehow Jackie and the Fat Guy blow up, but survive, ending up on a raft, on the water.
- The Fat Guy is really a very very young Sammo Hung
It could have been the beer, or the very very poorly dubbed English, but I had a hell of a time following this movie. I don’t think there was nearly enough ass kicking, but maybe there was and I just couldn’t see it.