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March 7, 2008

They’re Not Always Bad

Filed under: Bad Movies — tj @ 11:51 am

This time Bad Movie Night was short on followers, so we decided to watch the sequel to Nightwatch, a movie that could have been bad, but was in fact, very much awesome. The only thing that would have made either of them better would be if it came with Cliff’s Notes, and a chart that shows how everyone is related, and how many different aliases that they have. Daywatch certainly picks up where Nightwatch left off, but it brings a bigger game as far as special effects, and mysticism. The movie brings together several different plots, but the newest is the battle for the Chalk of Fate, which allows you to write with magical chalk and change your fate. There were probably some other important details about the chalk that were lost in translation. Car chases, super powers, alternate dimensions, and about a hundred different plots, all come together for an epic showdown between good and evil. There’s also a little toy that destroys the better part of Moscow. Pretty seriously awesome movie.

Bad Movie Night wouldn’t be Bad Movie Night without at least ONE bad movie, and we lucked out big time with this one. The movie stars Chubby Dean Cain, and every third string character from Star Trek and the X-Files. The plot is pretty simple: American special forces are on a holiday in Cambodia, and decide to run into a small river house and shoot all the women and children inside. Unfortunately for them, it wasn’t a regular house at all, and it appeared to be used for the doing of science, and not the kind that cures cancer. They fight off the couple green mouthed zombies that show up, and it’s looking good for the Americans. At least it was, until a half-dead Cambodian scorpion scientist falls out of the closet and throws a grenade in the middle of the room. He kills all the soldiers, and they go back to the US in body bags. That’s as much story as ever comes out of this movie, as it turns into a formulaic zombie movie after that. There is one exception though, in that Dead Dean Cain cuts the evil radioactive scorpion out of his arm before he can turn into a real zombie, so he spends the rest of the movie (and presumably life) as a half zombie. The middle of the movie consists of a simple plot:

  1. Half Zombie Chubby Dead Cain kills one of his fellow soldiers that had turned into a zombie, as well as several innocent soldiers, or sometimes hot girls.
  2. Police show up, and see Chubby Dean Cain standing in a pool of blood and assorted body parts, and arrest him.
  3. Half Zombie Dean Cain breaks loose from captivity, and the process being anew.

This happens at least three times, and after that, Half Zombie Dean Cain has a posse, which includes a large chested woman, and a token black man.The movie sort of gets thrown for a loop here, and introduces a sick evil scientist doctor, and something about living forever, but that’s somewhat irrelevant. After a bunch of shenanigans, the good guys blow up the military base, presumably killing all the zombies, and then large chested woman invites Green Veined Dean Cain to a hotel — seriously.

As far as zombie movies go, it wasn’t the worst; there were actually zombies in it. Sadly though, this was a made for TV movie, and you can tell very easily when it fades to black for a commercial break. The biggest issue I had with the movie, aside from lack of nudity, was a large number of oddly placed movie jokes. There were a number of movie references that just felt really forced and awkward. I would however, suggest waiting until the end of the night, when you’re good and drunk, to watch this movie. Also, if you’d like to remember Dean Cain as a super hunk, don’t watch this.

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