blog of testiclese this is where the shit went down, but before you got here

February 18, 2008

Ebony and Ivory

Filed under: Bad Movies — tj @ 1:36 pm

blaculaBad Movie Night put on some bravery boots this time around, and we go double header on some really terrible vampire movies. Hot on the heels of “Black Mama, White Mama” comes another amazing blackspoitation movie, Blacula. The story goes, Blacula wasn’t always as such; he was an ambassador from Africa in the 1700’s, on his way to Europe, and to Europe’s most prestigious state, Transylvania. He is there to plead with the Count, to press America to stop the slave trade. This of course is deeply rooted in actual events. Well pre-Blacula Blacula makes a serious mistake, and doesn’t submit his wife to be sexually molested by the Count (Dracula). Thankfully, otherwise there would be no movie, the Count bites pre-Blacula Blacula, turns his into an actual vampire, instead of just a guy, and then gives him the name Blacula. Also, he locks him in a coffin, locks the coffin in a locked room, and locks Blacula’s wife in that room to listen to his suffering cries until she dies. Cue an amazing animated credits, which involved a giant bat either eating women, or possibly violating them.

Here is where the actual movie starts. Two hundred years later, and two fellows of uncertain sexuality buy the estate of the Count. They bring all their lootcake back to America, presumably to sell off all the goofy European treasures, and beanie babies. Of course, when they were loading up the truck with stuff from the Count’s Castle, the found the secret room and the secret coffin, and human corpse, and decided it was a good idea to bring the coffin with. Back in America, they break open the coffin and release Blacula from his two century long prison. Probably the most amazing, and unmentioned part of the movie, is Blacula’s makeup. It goes back and forth between sweet maintained mustache, and unkept sideburns and what could have been poop rubbed on his face. I believe there may have been a plot attempted, something to do with Blacula finding a woman that looked like his wife, and trying to woo her, while keeping her friend (a detective) from finding out that it was in fact scary Blacula that was killing people who would later rise from the dead. Contrary to Jensen’s claims, there were no titties. One last note, all of the white people who got turned to vampires, turned green, which seemed a little weird.

bloodrayne So Blacula wasn’t punishment enough, and I just happened to have one of Uwe Boll’s more recent installations of pain. The cast, with many of Uwe Boll’s movie, are as startling as the budget. Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, the girl from Terminator 3, and of course, Billy Zane are only a few of the names of people who must be filling the public service they earned after being charged with DUI’s.

I have to say, having made it through House of the Dead, and Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne wasn’t anywhere near as bad as those two, although it is possibly that my severe level of inebriation dulled the pain. Having played a large number of video games, though not the one this movie takes it’s name, and possibly plot from, I basically knew where this movie was going. There may be some others who know it too, because it’s the plot from Castlevania: collect a bunch of parts of an original vampire in order to kill one. Maybe it was Castlevania 2, but that’s basically what happens. The good parts of this movie are the gore, and Kristanna Loken in tight pants. There was also a laughable sex scene between Bloodrayne and MacGuyver, but other than that, I don’t remember much other than a bunch of fighting, and of course, Billy Zane, maybe with a pony tail.

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