blog of testiclese this is where the shit went down, but before you got here

This time Bad Movie Night was short on followers, so we decided to watch the sequel to Nightwatch, a movie that could have been bad, but was in fact, very much awesome. The only thing that would have made either of them better would be if it came with Cliff’s Notes, and a chart that shows how everyone is related, and how many different aliases that they have. Daywatch certainly picks up where Nightwatch left off, but it brings a bigger game as far as special effects, and mysticism. The movie brings together several different plots, but the newest is the battle for the Chalk of Fate, which allows you to write with magical chalk and change your fate. There were probably some other important details about the chalk that were lost in translation. Car chases, super powers, alternate dimensions, and about a hundred different plots, all come together for an epic showdown between good and evil. There’s also a little toy that destroys the better part of Moscow. Pretty seriously awesome movie.

Bad Movie Night wouldn’t be Bad Movie Night without at least ONE bad movie, and we lucked out big time with this one. The movie stars Chubby Dean Cain, and every third string character from Star Trek and the X-Files. The plot is pretty simple: American special forces are on a holiday in Cambodia, and decide to run into a small river house and shoot all the women and children inside. Unfortunately for them, it wasn’t a regular house at all, and it appeared to be used for the doing of science, and not the kind that cures cancer. They fight off the couple green mouthed zombies that show up, and it’s looking good for the Americans. At least it was, until a half-dead Cambodian scorpion scientist falls out of the closet and throws a grenade in the middle of the room. He kills all the soldiers, and they go back to the US in body bags. That’s as much story as ever comes out of this movie, as it turns into a formulaic zombie movie after that. There is one exception though, in that Dead Dean Cain cuts the evil radioactive scorpion out of his arm before he can turn into a real zombie, so he spends the rest of the movie (and presumably life) as a half zombie. The middle of the movie consists of a simple plot:

1. Half Zombie Chubby Dead Cain kills one of his fellow soldiers that had turned into a zombie, as well as several innocent soldiers, or sometimes hot girls.
2. Police show up, and see Chubby Dean Cain standing in a pool of blood and assorted body parts, and arrest him.
3. Half Zombie Dean Cain breaks loose from captivity, and the process being anew.

This happens at least three times, and after that, Half Zombie Dean Cain has a posse, which includes a large chested woman, and a token black man.The movie sort of gets thrown for a loop here, and introduces a sick evil scientist doctor, and something about living forever, but that’s somewhat irrelevant. After a bunch of shenanigans, the good guys blow up the military base, presumably killing all the zombies, and then large chested woman invites Green Veined Dean Cain to a hotel — seriously.

As far as zombie movies go, it wasn’t the worst; there were actually zombies in it. Sadly though, this was a made for TV movie, and you can tell very easily when it fades to black for a commercial break. The biggest issue I had with the movie, aside from lack of nudity, was a large number of oddly placed movie jokes. There were a number of movie references that just felt really forced and awkward. I would however, suggest waiting until the end of the night, when you’re good and drunk, to watch this movie. Also, if you’d like to remember Dean Cain as a super hunk, don’t watch this.

Bad Movie Night put on some bravery boots this time around, and we go double header on some really terrible vampire movies. Hot on the heels of “Black Mama, White Mama” comes another amazing blackspoitation movie, Blacula. The story goes, Blacula wasn’t always as such; he was an ambassador from Africa in the 1700’s, on his way to Europe, and to Europe’s most prestigious state, Transylvania. He is there to plead with the Count, to press America to stop the slave trade. This of course is deeply rooted in actual events. Well pre-Blacula Blacula makes a serious mistake, and doesn’t submit his wife to be sexually molested by the Count (Dracula). Thankfully, otherwise there would be no movie, the Count bites pre-Blacula Blacula, turns his into an actual vampire, instead of just a guy, and then gives him the name Blacula. Also, he locks him in a coffin, locks the coffin in a locked room, and locks Blacula’s wife in that room to listen to his suffering cries until she dies. Cue an amazing animated credits, which involved a giant bat either eating women, or possibly violating them.

Here is where the actual movie starts. Two hundred years later, and two fellows of uncertain sexuality buy the estate of the Count. They bring all their lootcake back to America, presumably to sell off all the goofy European treasures, and beanie babies. Of course, when they were loading up the truck with stuff from the Count’s Castle, the found the secret room and the secret coffin, and human corpse, and decided it was a good idea to bring the coffin with. Back in America, they break open the coffin and release Blacula from his two century long prison. Probably the most amazing, and unmentioned part of the movie, is Blacula’s makeup. It goes back and forth between sweet maintained mustache, and unkept sideburns and what could have been poop rubbed on his face. I believe there may have been a plot attempted, something to do with Blacula finding a woman that looked like his wife, and trying to woo her, while keeping her friend (a detective) from finding out that it was in fact scary Blacula that was killing people who would later rise from the dead. Contrary to Jensen’s claims, there were no titties. One last note, all of the white people who got turned to vampires, turned green, which seemed a little weird.

So Blacula wasn’t punishment enough, and I just happened to have one of Uwe Boll’s more recent installations of pain. The cast, with many of Uwe Boll’s movie, are as startling as the budget. Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, the girl from Terminator 3, and of course, Billy Zane are only a few of the names of people who must be filling the public service they earned after being charged with DUI’s.

I have to say, having made it through House of the Dead, and Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne wasn’t anywhere near as bad as those two, although it is possibly that my severe level of inebriation dulled the pain. Having played a large number of video games, though not the one this movie takes it’s name, and possibly plot from, I basically knew where this movie was going. There may be some others who know it too, because it’s the plot from Castlevania: collect a bunch of parts of an original vampire in order to kill one. Maybe it was Castlevania 2, but that’s basically what happens. The good parts of this movie are the gore, and Kristanna Loken in tight pants. There was also a laughable sex scene between Bloodrayne and MacGuyver, but other than that, I don’t remember much other than a bunch of fighting, and of course, Billy Zane, maybe with a pony tail.

Having watched Spider-man 2’s Sam Raimi’s Darkman only weeks ago, the timing could not have been better to receive Darkman II:The Return of Durant. This movie could also have been called Darkman II:The Not Return of Liam Neeson, But Instead The New Showing of the Guy Who Plays the Mummy in the Movie The Mummy Who Now Stars As Darkman. The plot of this movie is vaguely familiar; Durant burns down a lab and cuts off people’s fingers, and it really really pisses off Darkman. I believe that at some point, Darkmummy takes some pictures of evil people and then dresses up as them. There’s some shenanigans, and eventually there is some way that Darkmummy hooks Durant’s car up with a remote control, and then blows it up with a rat that is probably wired with explosives. Also, at some point, Gabrielle travels in from hanging out with Xena to get red hair and be the sister of the scientist that dies in the beginning. You’d sort of expect there to be some sort of romantic tension between Darkmummy and Gabrielle, but apart from a few chance encounters, she manages to steer clear of him.

For the record, I have seen a large number of Jackie Chan movies, and I love nearly all of them, even the really terrible ones. None of those movies could really prepare me for what I was about to witness. The plot, as best I can describe it, goes something like this:

1. Jackie Chan plays a sailor.
2. Jackie Chan becomes a police officer even though he doesn’t want to.
3. Jackie Chan, due to a dispute with the Police Chief, quits the force.
4. A fat guy steals some guns and kind of blames Jackie for it, except that they are working together.
5. There is a Secret Pirate Underground Hideout, which somehow Jackie and the Fat Guy blow up, but survive, ending up on a raft, on the water.
6. The Fat Guy is really a very very young Sammo Hung

It could have been the beer, or the very very poorly dubbed English, but I had a hell of a time following this movie. I don’t think there was nearly enough ass kicking, but maybe there was and I just couldn’t see it.

We’ve been doing this bad movie thing for a while, and I’ve started to lose track of all the movies we’ve watched, or at least tried to watch. So I’m going to write down what we saw, and what I thought about it.

The Contract Killer

We started out with a re-print of an older Chinese movie starring Jet Li, re-done with poor voice acting and a hip hop soundtrack. The movie itself wasn’t terrible, there were angry Japanese Yakuza eating their cremated grandfather, a white hitman disguised as a missionary that stabbed people with his crucifix, a jolly sidekick, and a very tall white dude to symbolize the oppression of the western world. Classic shoot em up Chinese movie really, and it delivered well in that regard. The terrible dub merely added to the joy of awesome bad-ness.

Total Recall

There are bad movies, and then there are BAD MOVIES.  Total Recall is a classic for so many reasons, memory implants, fake third titties, psychic mutant aliens, and Arnold.  This was no ones first time, but it was good to view this movie again on bad movie night, giving it the honor it so richly deserves.  Bad movies like these delight with fantastical dialog, like “Get your ass to Mars,” and “OPEN YOUR MIND!”  Plenty of gargling from Schwarzenegger accompanied millions of bullets flying, and a handful of human body shields.  It also should be noted, it’s very difficult for a movie to hit EPIC bad movie status without Michael Ironside.  Also look for a still hot Sharon Stone to fall out of her outfit early on, and a brutal girl fight between Stone, and Rachel Ticotin, who went on to star in Con Air as ‘Guard Sally Bishop.’